Life begins?

Spending my days off in a room watching Netflix...  Hate to go to work because they pay less than where I used to work for the same company...  Boss is bipolar and selfish..  Car has broken down twice since I have moved..  Huge expenses in both of the fixes..  Never have enough money to do anything...  Not that there is much to do here or that I can even see my husband at all because of his work schedule at his low paying job...  He deserves more than that.... In other words it is hard to like it here but would it be any better there?  I miss my old lifestyle...  I miss having things to do and money to spend it on...  I sometimes wonder if we sign on the house if it will be a big mistake...  What if I don't get pregnant?  What if we can't sell the house?  What if we fall further in debt and can't find our way out?  I am always worried about the what if...  Does that make me a crazy or just a crazy person?

Pondering...

I have been thinking a lot about life and what brings us to where we are and where we want to be.  I wanted nothing more than to be out of here and now I find myself back here.  It's depressing...  Where I went I always thought of here and now that I am here all I can think about is there...  So the question is if I go back there will I want to be here again?  Will I eventually get used to here and be thankful I am not there?  Dunno....

Shattered dreams.

So away we don't go.. My dreams of a house and a baby have officially been shattered.. I guess ripped out, chewed up, spit out and shit on for a better description. I feel now that my life is at a standstill. I don't need a house.. I would like one but its not a need. I do however want a baby. In getting old and I am so scared that when the time comes if ever that I will not be able to have one. It is further magnified by all the people I know that are having babies or that are pregnant right now. For now I will just try to keep my heart from breaking more each day that I know that I might not ever near a child......

Away we go...

Sometimes you want to crawl under the covers and not come out for a couple months.. I am so not ready to make adult decisions. I don't want to go but I also don't want to stay. So many emotions of feeling trapped or stuck in the same situation. I don't know if I am coming or going these days. Stomach is constantly in knots. I hope we are making the right
Decision.... I hope we don't get ahead of ourselves.. I know it's easy to play it safe but safe is good. I want to move forward not in reverse. I am petrified.. I am trying to calm down but I am so scared shitless of change it isn't even funny.. So away we go with hopefully a new adventure I guess..